A GUIDE TO LEFTY SLURS

What they really mean...

The horrific assassination of conservative activist Charlie Kirk has resonated for many both here in the U.S. The loss of a man of such fundamental decency, a devoted husband and father to two small children, hits hard. But so too does the terrifying reality of a man gunned down for doing what the U.S constitution protects and all western nations ostensibly respect – expressing his opinions in public.

It appears to have been Charlie’s opinions that earned him a death sentence. Not his actual opinions of course, but a hysterical distorted version of same, maliciously retooled by lefty bad-actors and then taken up and spread by mainstream media. Even our NZ Herald got in on the act, claiming even before his corpse was cold that he ‘lashed out at migrants and transgender people’. Only the assassin Tyler Robinson can be blamed for Kirk’s death, but crap like this certainly makes it easier for lone psychos to build men into monsters, fuelling their deranged fantasy that they are taking up arms against a proto-Hitler not a fairly mainstream Christian conservative.

So to hell with you, NZ Herald and to somewhere much better, Charlie Kirk, R.I .P.

In a desperate attempt to wring comedy from tragedy, I’ve examined the type of slurs used to put a target on the back of conservatives and then I’ve translated them into something approaching plain English. Perhaps readers could provide this handy list to those friends and family who still read mainstream media with credulity – the poor fools – so they know what these words really mean.

HARD RIGHT

Not a socialist.

FAR RIGHT

You qualify if…

- You like your country’s flag, and think it should be displayed more often in your country than other flags.

- You’re quite keen on the traditional family as growing up in one stopped you from becoming a gender-fluid green-haired nose-ringed malcontent. You’d quite like others to have the same opportunity.

- You have ever worn a MAGA hat, listened to Joe Rogan or wished, just for a moment, that you were a Viking.

HOMOPHOBE

You don’t care what people get up to in their own bedrooms (you care less and less what you get up to in yours – but that’s just middle-age). But you do wish the gays would knock it off with the public parades – it’s hard to explain to your five-year-old daughter what the man in the gimp mask is doing whipping the man dressed in the same tutu that she wears to her ballet practice.

TRANSPHOBE

You think men look silly in women’s dresses with the exceptions of Benny Hill and that time your entire rugby team wore cocktail dresses to a stag do. They didn’t look silly – they looked hilarious.

RACIST

- You prefer a meat pie to Khao Man Gai.

- You think the disproportionate number of Maori in prison is due to Maori committing disproportionately more crimes.

- You think black guys are better at basketball, Asians are better at maths and white women are better at complaining in restaurants.

CHRISTIAN NATIONALIST

You go to church and think others should too.

ISLAMOPHOBE

You’re suspicious of a religion that is OK with child brides but has a problem with bacon sandwiches.

WHITE SUPREMACIST

You prefer blondes to brunettes and Shakespeare to Snoop Dogg.

FASCIST

You think criminals should get prison sentences not electronic ankle bracelets and Netflix accounts.

NAZI

You watch the History Channel a lot and think if World War Two was decided by who had the best uniforms, the Nazis would have romped home.

ANTI-IMMIGRANT

You once asked your Pakistani Uber driver to choose between listening to his ethnic music at high volume, carrying on a phone conversation with three relatives in Islamabad, and watching the road.

MISOGYNIST

You think abortion should be limited to green voters and reality TV contestants.

XENOPHOBE

You can’t find Mogadishu on a map.

COLONIALIST

You can find Mogadishu on a map and think it would be less of a war-stricken hell hole if only they all played cricket, ate scones and spoke English.

ZIONIST

You don’t want Israel wiped off the map.